mayapple
archives
newest
email
profile
notes
design
diaryland
2003-06-03, 10:45 a.m.:
The Matrix: Retarded

THIS ENTRY IS ONE LONG SPOILER, SO IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FEW THAT WORSHIPS The Matrix AS A RELIGION AND HAVEN�T SEEN IT YET, WELL, what are you doing reading my silly little journal, anyway? Don�t you have some L. Ron Hubbard reading to catch up on?

So, unless you have some sort of problem, you can ascertain that we went and saw The Matrix: Reloaded last night. MY GOD. What a shlockfest.

I actually enjoyed the first Matrix. I really did. The special effects/fight scenes were innovative, the camera work brilliant, and while the plot definitely took itself seriously, it didn�t make me throw up a little in my mouth with every other word.

I mean, sometimes that is all I require in a movie.

But this. It was crap! Crap! An actual, honest-to-God waste of time and money! And this is coming from a woman who, given the opportunity, would totally see X-Men 2 again!

Anyway, a wee list of things that bothered me about The Matrix: Reloaded:

REMEMBER! THE SPOILERS!

1. Lawrence Fishburne, dude, lay off the Deep Fat Fried Salt with a side of Bloat Sauce for the third installment, OK? Because when you have trouble raising your arms above your head, it makes it difficult to believe you as a mighty warrior.

2. Hey, Jada Pinkett Smith! Yeah, I�m talking to you! Get that pole out of your ass! Thanks!

3. I know that they are like, building a new civilization and everything, but could they find some sweaters for the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar (I don't care enough to look up the correct spelling, so there) that aren�t all holey and falling apart and blessed DIRTY all the time? Maybe? Perhaps one of Neo�s followers could knit something up real quick. Maybe a JCrew rollneck sweater. Just a thought.

4. For what absolute crap their clothing is outside of the matrix, the cast certainly wears some fucking hide inside the matrix. Shiny! Black! Leather! Do you get it? WE ARE BADASSES AND GENERAL FORCES TO BE RECKONED WITH!

5. The entire movie felt the need to shove everything down your throat (see above). It�s like man, don�t you see? Its like, �do we have free will? Do we?� It�s like the machines, man. They need us, and we need them, man. Yeah.

6. Best line of the movie? After the Oracle�s gatekeeper fights with Neo-dude to make sure he�s �the one� (see, talking about this movie makes me look like an asshole), Neo-dude tells him �You could have asked,� and sounds Just. Like. Ted. Dude!

7. The end. This movie could have cut the lameness in half if it got rid of the dumbass love story. But Neo-dude is �The One�! His love will keep you alive, Trinity! He will stick his hand all up in your body and massage your heart back to life because he loooooooooves you. He wants to have like a million of your baaaaaabies. I was so happy when the three guys next to me started cracking up during this scene. Someone to laugh with.

God, there is so much more that bothered me, but I am getting far too worked up about this.

What did I like? I enjoyed that the Architect of The Matrix was totally Sigmund Freud, what with the big chair and the Germanesque beard and the pen, and the �Neo-dude, tell me about your mother.� OK, I made that up.

Actually, I quite enjoyed all of the bad guys in this movie. I could not relate/find sympathy for any of the good guys. Agent Smith? Hi, I�m Mayapple, I love you. All kajillion of you. Naughty French guy and his naughty wife? You�re fabulous. Could the next movie be just you two? Grand.

I lied, I didn�t enjoy all of the bad guys. The albino-dreadlocked-ghosties were freaking scary. SCARY. I can�t believe I didn�t have a nightmare about them last night. Those dudes were right up my nightmare alley.

C and I walked out of the theatre, and we only made it 10 feet or so before looking at each other and cracking up. I mean, tears-streaming-down-our-faces laughing. That was it, huh? That was the movie that everyone�s been telling us to rush out and see? Ooooooo-kay.

Anyway, what else? I never recapped my weekend, so I�ll have a go at that! What�s that? Cheers of joy? Well, I�m sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Friday, after I was mega productive with both work and my journal, I got a little sick. I got the migraine eyes. Sometimes, hours before I get the actual migraine, my vision gets completely insane-o. I have the wavy lines all around my peripheral vision, and honestly can�t see much of anything. It theory the migraine-eyes suck, but in actuality they give me warning time for the migraine and I can take the medicine before the migraine happens. Pre-emptive strike! Anyway, the meds make me feel kind of wonky, so we had to cancel our fancy anniversary dinner plans. Or rather, re-schedule them for Saturday night. This was best, really, because Busta Rhymes got neutered Friday morning, and being the completely overprotective parents that we are we wanted to keep an eye on the little guy. So, we ate fried chicken cutlets, broccoli, mashed potatoes and gravy (yay diner food!), and drank about a gallon of mint iced tea.

Saturday we ran all over town doing very American things. We bought wicker furniture for C�s mom�s birthday. Wicker? Ugh, I hate it, but she almost wet her pants from happiness, so I guess we did well. Then, we bought a grill! A grill! A pretty, forest-green charcoal grill with a blond wood shelf that I put together all by myself. Oh, it�s going to be a good summer in the Mayapple household.

Saturday evening rolled around, and we went for our fancy dinner. I got to wear my silk ninja pants, so it was slated to be a great evening. And it was. Let me give you the brief rundown of my dinner:

1st Chef�s treat: Lump crabmeat with mango puree

1st Course: Chilean Sea Bass with corn risotto in a corn-pancetta soup

2nd Chef�s treat: Espresso cup filled with carrot-ginger soup

2nd Course: Roasted duck breast with tomato jam, garlic spinach, and cornmeal souffl�, topped with shredded duck leg confit

3rd Chef�s treat: Strawberry-Coconut sorbet in a basil soup

3rd Course: Chocolate custard with Bananas Foster Ice Cream and wafer cookies

So, you see, this was a meal of insanity. The chef, an acquaintance at best, had fun sending us out little bites of this or that, along with our outrageous orders. It was crazy. It took three hours. We were so full that we couldn�t do anything afterwards but go home and lay in bed, moaning. Yum.

Sunday morning, I woke up still full. Regardless, I had made brunch plans with my friend Jessica, and I stuck to them. I�m glad I did, really. We had great conversation, the weather was perfect and we got to sit on the patio, and my Fried Green Tomato Salad with bacon/goat cheese dressing was divine. Lovely, lovely afternoon.

After brunch, I went to TJMaxx and bought some things. Nothing too exciting, just things. Then I went home and sat in the sun for an hour. This is getting really exciting, no? Are you even still reading? This might be my longest entry EVER.

Sunday night, we christened the grill and I made grilled shrimp soft tacos with homemade guacamole. DROOL. Delicious.

I am going to shut up now, there is even more to talk about, but really, this is getting ridiculous. Adios!

last - next